Monday, 9 November 2015

LIFE + DEATH + RESURRECTION - Miller Natural Health

I have been wanting to share this moving blog post by Laura for weeks now but between work being crazy busy and pregnancy brain my blogging has been a little behind these past 6 months.

I'm so glad that woman + men are speaking more about this topic as it is a hard and emotional time that until it happens to you, you can't actually comprehend what someone is going through.

I'll start by sharing our story and that I have always loved and wanted kids and a family of my very own. I by no means feel that we are unlucky on the contrary I feel our road to starting a family has been very lucky in the way that it only took us months not years to fall pregnant. I'm sure someone will read this who has been trying for years and years and probably think BITCH PLEASE... and I get it. But this is our story and to me loss is loss and it's sad and hurts.

I feel that my life has gone by so quickly, I feel that the years from old high school house party's to 32 years old happily enjoying Friday night takeout on the couch watching Game of Thrones with the husband came around in the blink of an eye. When we finally decided we wanted to start trying for baby number 1 I did have that fear that maybe we had left this too late and it may not happen for us. It really did mess with my emotions and I started to second guess if my husband will be as happy with JUST ME if I couldn't give him a family. We did have a few pregnancies that just weren't meant to be for us and each one was as crushing and devastating no matter how far along we had gotten and that fear of Am I baron? just grew and grew. We did at one point decide to stop "officially" trying (by officially I mean using those Apps to follow your cycle and counting each day I was fertile) as I was getting too emotional/hormonal, I picked up a new job that was miles away and the travelling was something I had to adjust to... When we finally started getting back to our normal busy selves... we were pregnant! The sad thing was that we couldn't really enjoy it fully. As positive as we wanted to be we both didn't want to get our hopes up again so we waited, and I guess that's how we ended up with a baby with 3 due dates.

It's crazy the way and how much your body changes to create a life even in those first few fragile weeks. I know for me I immediately felt like someones protector, it was my job for the next 9 months to keep this little thing safe and when it didn't turn out the way we expected I felt like I had failed as a human/woman. (If you ask me right now how I feel the answer is ... ENORMOUS!)

When I read Laura's story a few weeks ago I was waiting for my sisters outside Kmart in Chadstone crying like a crazy person... yep in public. I understood what it feels like to mourn something you never really had and how hard it is to talk to people about it that have not gone through the same thing. You imagine the response will be oh well get over it and try again. I was also sad because we had no clue that Laura and her partner where actually going through this at around the same time we were. Here are a few lines from her post:

As we gazed in awe at your tiny flickering black and white heart beat, our hearts started beating in time with yours. That’s your baby, she said. Everything looks perfect, she said.
Except it wasn’t perfect. Not even close. Or maybe it was and this is just a different, more painful kind of perfect than the version we had imagined.
When my world turned red and it just wouldn’t stop, I squeezed shut my eyes, started building a wall around my heart, and whispered no no no to a god that wasn’t listening.
I love Laura's blog mainly because I have major healthy living envy and like saying to myself "oh I should probably do more of that"... and then never do. But hey the intention is there and I learn stuff. I hope that in sharing her story this helps some mammas and baby daddy's out there and know they're not alone. 

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